A dressing gown and a cigarette.

This morning on the school run, I drove past a man. This man was standing outside his front door, in his dressing gown, smoking a cigarette.

He looked blissful.

I can’t stop thinking about him and that flash of his day that I caught as I drove past.

Photo by Abhishek Koli on Unsplash

How freeing, it must be, I thought, to take that small rebellious unapologetic moment of pleasure, and not feel any guilt. (Of course, I can’t know that he didn’t feel guilt but his face would suggest that he was enjoying every minute of his cigarette and not worrying about any of the potential repercussions.)

I don’t even smoke, but seeing this man made me want to stand outside my front door, leave all the chaos and the ‘shoulds’ and ‘coulds’ and the green juices, overnight oats (which I have now been told by the protein brigade are in actual fact not good for me), the whining and the chaos of lost sports kits and forgotten homework ….. and have a cigarette in my dressing gown.

It made me crave a moment of pure joy. And I don’t mean the joy of a yoga class, of a meditation, of a good book, of a reformer pilates class or a brisk walk or an ice bath or an acupuncture mat or any of the other gazillion things social media tells us should bring us joy (and yes, many of these things do indeed bring me joy…but…. not doing them as much as I should brings me guilt and shame which is kind of the opposite of joy…)

I mean the joy of something a bit naughty.

A cigarette in my dressing gown.

A god damn glass of wine.

A mega ultra processed burger.

A good old cheese board.

I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s quite exhausting trying to do all the things ‘right’ for our bodies. I, in any case, am exhausted.

Even for those of us who have not had cancer, the information we are bombarded with on how to live a healthy life is pretty overwhelming. (I know we could choose to not use social media… but I for one am thoroughly addicted and dealing with that is yet another ‘should’ I don’t have the energy for).

But once you have the added ‘shoulds’ of all the things a cancer survivor should never do thrown into the mix…. it becomes really quite stressful. No alcohol. No processed meat. No sugar. No dairy. Take that supplement, but not with that one, and only with this one or else it won’t get absorbed. Get yourself in an infrared sauna, into a hyperbaric oxygen chamber, do resistance training, … but above all…keep your stress levels low.

Seriously, pass me a dressing gown and a cigarette.

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I’ve written this today instead of posting the next chapter of my book. I took a big leap of faith when I posted my first chapter, poured out my heart and soul onto substack, … something I have been working on for over a year.

And it went down like a lead balloon.

3 likes. Hardly any engagement. No call from the agent desperate to help me get my work published (well a girl can dream ….)

So not quite sure where to go with Substack. I know I probably need to work to get engagement somehow but this feels like another ‘should’ I’m not sure I have the energy for right now.

So let’s see where this goes..

Maybe I’ll rather post these occasional anecdotes, musings, thoughts and reflections from daily life. What do you think?

Have a great day friends xx